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Health & Fitness

Can We Connect the Dots?

Anyone who has a blog is familiar with trolls. 

These are people whose names regularly show up in your comment section, usually so they can bad-mouth you in some way — to experience that few precious moments of relief following that ever-so-carefully crafted response so meticulously designed to prove that the targeted blogger is, indeed, a complete idiot. 

Did these people not get enough attention when they were little?

Watching them flail away so consistently, so reliably, you can almost smell the body odor rising from their parents' basement, where the pasty-faced troll labors along so tirelessly for that highly-coveted release, the inestimable reward that comes from knowing — just knowing — that the world really does revolve around him.

Not everyone who comments on a blog is a troll, of course. But you learn to spot them pretty quick. It's accurately summed up in this simple equation.

A friend of mine actually suggested to me a few months ago that some of these trolls are paid. I laughed it off at the time, thinking he was getting a little paranoid. 

Then the heroic Edward Snowden and the ever-reliable Glenn Greenwald released documents showing just that very thing to be true. 

But it's even worse than that. Because many of these trolls are not only paid to throw feces on the Internet — they're paid by the government. They're paid by the British Government; they're paid by the Canadian Government. And let's face it: sooner or later, we'll learn that they're paid by the US Government as well.

Tax dollars at work.

Of course, timing is everything. And right around the time Snowden and Greenwald were tipping us off about these hygiene-deficient chest-thumpers — though we're probably talking concave chests here — the always-entertaining Slate.com reported on research done at the University of Manitoba about the psychology of the troll

What they found is not one bit surprising.

But it does have implications beyond the guy with bad skin, bad breath — and the irrepressible need to insult anyone with a different point of view.

The researchers found that Internet trolls typically exhibit some pretty disturbing characteristics:

"The research...sought to directly investigate whether people who engage in trolling are characterized by personality traits that fall in the so-called Dark Tetrad: Machiavellianism (willingness to manipulate and deceive others), narcissism (egotism and self-obsession), psychopathy (the lack of remorse and empathy), and sadism (pleasure in the suffering of others).

"It is hard to overplay the results: The study found correlations, sometimes quite significant, between these traits and trolling behavior. What’s more, it also found a relationship between all Dark Tetrad traits (except for narcissism) and the overall time that an individual spent, per day, commenting on the Internet."

Now, here's my question: if trolls are more likely to be psychopaths, and governments are now hiring trolls...doesn't this suggest once again that people who work for the government are dangerous to others?

Narcissistic, Machiavellian, sadistic — sounds like a typical politician or bureaucrat.  

Let's be clear: these people are not dangerous personally; no, this isn't the guy who will accost you on the street.

First of all, you'll never see him there because his Internet start-up company and the demands of constantly commenting on your blog require that he spend an excessive amount of his time indoors. 

He probably hates guns, so doesn't know how to use one, and a knife is way too personal.

Like Doug Stanhope said, the nearest these kinds of people have ever been to a physical altercation is un-"Friend"-ing someone on Facebook. The thought of suffering an actual attack from one of them is really quite absurd, and not just because they are usually about as threatening as Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory

No, they abhor violence — except when they can get a(nother?) tax-funded operative to do it for them. 

That's why they seem to experience sexual exhilaration at the sight of uniformed thugs, no-knock paramilitary raids, IRS agents confiscating income or property, and presidents ordering tank attacks on helpless civilians or the incineration of brown people in the Middle East — because hey, killing people is so much fun — when someone else is doing the dirty work.

Maybe those Manitoba researchers should also have checked for voyeuristic tendencies?

We all know the type: come the revolution, he'd be the pencil-necked little collaborator — the underachiever with the arm band and the greasy hair pointing at your house and saying, "There, officer. That's where the guns are."

Like a moth to flame, the troll just can't help himself. He has to comment; he needs to comment. The love of power — or really the perception of power — fills a void in his tortured, sad little soul. With a life that empty and meaningless, what more does he have but his hate for those who are different?

That means he should never be acknowledged.

I tried to engage with a couple of trolls early on, but quickly learned that it wasn't about having an honest discussion or exchange of ideas — it's about them taking advantage of an opportunity to behave disrespectfully, in a manner they would never have the courage to display if looking you in the eye instead of spouting drivel from the safety of that room above grandma's garage.

Then I learned that nothing drives the self-obsessed crazy like being ignored. That's why I enjoy ignoring them.

I also feel sorry for them, to be honest.

Live, love and be happy. It will annoy your enemies.

 

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