Seacoast's Current Burrito Offerings Called Inadequate; Patrons to Be Served “By Any Means Necessary”
Portsmouth, NH – A mysterious group calling itself the Burrito Liberation Front (BLF) announced today that due to what it considers inadequate offerings on New Hampshire's Seacoast, it plans to commandeer a local café and serve only burritos. No concrete details of the plan were released, nor did the group describe how they plan to overcome the blandness of established tortilla-brokers.
The BLF did release the following manifesto:
We are the Burrito Liberation Front.
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For far too long, the tastebuds of the Seacoast have suffered under a flavorless regime.
Soon, this reign of error will be brought to an end.
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We hold that all burritos are not created equal.
That they should be endowed only with meat, rice, cheese, beans and sauce.
That those ingredients must be of the highest quality.
Made by hand, to be eaten by hand.
To accomplish this mission, we will assume control of the means of burrito production at a local establishment.
And we will not stop until the peoples' cravings are satisfied.
¡Long live burrito!
When asked for comment, the group's leader, who goes by El Chefé, said, “This uprising is not out of the blue. Burrito aficionados have long suffered undercooked beans, flavorless rice and worse. I realized that I have the power to make a mean burrito. Now all I need is a place to do it – and I will, by any means necessary.” He had no further comment.
